C.J.'s Black Bleeding Angst
by Mikomi's Pen
Summary: Gail's dead, and C.J.'s distraught over it. Too bad that's not actually what the fic is about at all. Contains slash implications, evil zombie queens, muffin crusades, and exploding heads. Not for the faint of heart.


All was not right in the Magical Happy Land of Sorkin. Recently, C.J. had lost someone very dear to her.  
  
"Gail!" C.J. sobbed, rocking back and forth and clutching her fishtank to her.  
  
"What's wrong, C.J.?" Mr. Expository, a.k.a. Sam Seaborn, asked, mainly for the benefit of the exceptionally slow readers.  
  
"I walked into my office this morning," she sobbed, "and – and – " She held up the bowl, in which Gail floated upside-down.  
  
"Hey, what about me?" asked a dapper little ray of sunshine with large, gaping holes in his chest as he walked into her office. "Aren't you in mourning over me?"  
  
"Who're you again?"  
  
"Simon? Your one true love? Got shot in a 7-11 for the sole purpose of ratings and C.J. angst fourth season?"  
  
Then Toby walked in. It's worth noting that C.J.'s office, due to its proximity to an inter-dimensional warphole, will never get crowded no matter how many people are in there. But I digress.  
  
Toby walked in and started chopping at Simon with a conveniently placed axe. "Something cannot be for the sole purpose of another thing if it has two reasons behind it!" he screamed. Everyone froze, amazed at the phenomenon of Toby screaming.  
  
"I didn't think his vocal cords could hold up under the strain," said Ginger in a slightly hushed voice. She was peering in at the door, by the way.  
  
"Don't worry about me, by the way," Simon said, stitching body parts back on. "I was a regular on 'Chicago Hope.'"  
  
"We need to make plans for Gail's funeral," said C.J. desolately.  
  
"And can we see about that guy there getting buried, too?" Toby asked crossly. "He smells really bad."  
  
"That's it, Toby – you're not my favorite author anymore!" cried Sam. "There's a guy over there, and he smells like something which has been rolled in a pile of rotting manure, and all you can come up with is 'smells really bad'? I've lost all respect I previously held for you."  
  
Toby shrugged. "Okay."  
  
"Oh, Gail, Gail, Gail!" C.J. wept. "We need to give her proper rites – "  
  
Danny popped his head in. "Hey, you're ignoring the cute guy who you had really great chemistry with in favor of my goldfish. Does that mean you've loved me all this time more than Shoop the corpse over there?"  
  
C.J. stopped crying immediately. "No. Now fuck off."  
  
"Oh. Okay." Danny left for another year without an appearance or explanation, for that matter.  
  
She started crying again, when Margaret came in. "Has anyone seen the calorie content of these muffins?" she asked, outraged.  
  
"I like muffins," said Ainsley, following Margaret. "My nutritionist says that it's 'cause I have a high metabolism and so I have to take in a lot of calories to maintain my weight, but really, I think muffins just taste good. Could I have a muffin?"  
  
"NO!" Margaret shouted, and raised her fist to the heavens. "I hereby declare a ban on all muffins! Their calorie content is far too high, and will cause everyone to become fat! Come now, my abnormally attractive Hollywood-type brothers and sisters! Let us submit to the stereotype that all good-looking people must be fit and trim! Join with me, and we will lead the anti-muffin CRUSADE!"  
  
Then Margaret had to leave, because she had filled her quota of dialogue for the next three seasons.  
  
"I must say, that was truly moving," Sam said. "Margaret is my new favorite author. By the way, has anyone noticed how great my hair is?"  
  
"Margaret replaced me?" Toby asked. "Now that's insulting."  
  
"Look, everyone!" Ainsley cried. "She dropped a muffin! Ooh, chocolate."  
  
Simon looked up, his sixth sense for danger finally having been knocked off the spritz by his, you know, dying. Unfortunately, as he could only yell "Noooooooooo..." and dive to tackle her in slow motion, Ainsley finished the muffin long before he got there.  
  
"Wow," she said brightly, "that sure was a good muffin. Mm. All chocolately and stuff. Boy, I sure wish there were more muffins like that around – that sure would make the world a better place. You know what else we need more of on this show? Republicans. I mean, I know that Aaron Sorkin is a Democrat and everything, and I don't mind that, but I feel like a great many Republicans are resistant to this show because they think it always makes their party into the bad guy. You know, I think I'd like another muff – " And then her head exploded, knocking down the fourth wall completely in the process.  
  
Simon took the entirety of the blast of, well, her head in his chest. He faltered, the slow motion ended, and he landed heavily on the ground. He coughed up blood.  
  
"Wait, so my chopping him into little bits didn't kill him, you know..."  
  
"Again," supplied Sam. "But that just proves you're a terrible writer."  
  
"...But Righty Kitty there exploding did?"  
  
"Hey, don't let the continuity problems bother you," said Josh, riding by on his hovercycle.  
  
"Gaiiiiiillllll..." sobbed C.J.  
  
"Okay, that does it," Donna said. "I've played matchmaker with Josh enough to know what has to be done." She went over and took the fishbowl from C.J. and walked into the nearest bathroom, then realized it was actually a closet. "Sorry," she muttered, ("Isn't that Ainsley's bit?" wondered Sam) then went into the real bathroom and flushed Gail down the toilet.  
  
"Goodbye, sweet Gail," C.J. said sadly, then perked up. "Hey, what's for din – SIIIIMOOONNN!!"  
  
"You know, C.J., if you changed your name to 'Slaudia,' drop the 'Jean' and change your last name to 'Dregg," then you wouldn't have to change your monogrammed towels once you marry Simon. Too bad he's about to die," Donna added as an afterthought.  
  
"Simon," C.J. whispered tenderly, stroking his face with one hand and taking his hand in the other. "No, Simon...This is too cruel...I just barely met you. Not now! Not here!"  
  
"C.J.," he said weakly, "it's okay...I'm happy. I had the time I wanted with you. I was finally able to experience love..."  
  
"No, Simon, don't go! Oh, god, I – I'll miss you too much..." She sobbed, then whipped around to glare as a loud crunch sounded. Toby hid the popcorn behind his back and whistled innocently. "Do you MIND?" she said, and when he shrugged indifferently, turned back to Simon with chin trembling. "Please...Stay with me..."  
  
"I'm so sorry, C.J. I... lo...ve... yo.…." His hand went limp. The background music swelled.  
  
"NOOOOOOOO! SIMOOOOOOOOOONN!" she screamed, then took a pause. "DO YOU GUYS MIND! I HAVE TO YELL TO MAKE MYSELF HEARD!" The music volume dropped. "I...Simon..." Then she began to sing "Memories," really loudly and off- key. Leo walked in, took one look at the entire scene, and walked back out again.  
  
"Meeeeeeheeheeemmmrieeeeeeeeeeesss," she sobbed, "liiiiiikeee the...the...LINE!"  
  
Everyone looked at each other and shrugged. "No one really knows the song beyond that point," Sam said. "If you'd like, Toby can write you something really crappy."  
  
"Um, thanks," she said evasively. "I think I'll pass."  
  
Toby took a step back. "What the hell, C.J.? I thought we had chemistry!"  
  
"So did you and Sam," C.J. pointed out. Toby shrugged.  
  
"I don't care about him. I don't go for the pretty types," he added, causing both C.J. and Sam to shout "Hey!" simultaneously.  
  
Simon stirred kind of weakly on the ground, and C.J. returned immediately to his side. "Simon!" she said, again for the extraordinarily dense/illiterate. "You're not dead!"  
  
"Oh, no, I am," he said flippantly. "I'm just rising to serve my eternal master."  
  
Ainsley's (headless) body was also rising, and the office soon became crowded – well, you know – with people who have died on the show, like, Josh's dad, and Josh's sister, and Josh's ego (it keeps coming back to life somehow stronger than before, you know, like the final boss in any video game), and Mandy (if she's not dead, she should be), and Toby's sense of humor, and Melissa Markee, and, uh, yeah, I guess that's it.  
  
"What about Mrs. Landingham?" asked Charlie. (Just don't question the entrances, okay?)  
  
"Oh, she's coming soon," Simon said. "She's currently haunting the President."  
  
"No, you fools," came a voice that should have been booming, but instead was just kind of grandmotherly. "Don't you understand? I'm the evil lady of the dead!"  
  
"Lord of the Dead sounds so much better," pointed out Toby, "even if you aren't male. I'd advise a sex change. And it should be capitalized."  
  
"You're my favorite author again, Toby!" Sam cried. "Give me a hug!"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh. Okay."  
  
Mrs. Landingham walked into the office. She didn't look too healthy, having been dead for like a year. I suppose that happens sometimes, you know, decay and suchforth.  
  
"Now, arise, my evil minions! And, uh..." She looked a bit at a loss. "Would you like a cookie, evil minions?"  
  
"Yes, Mrs. Landingham," they chorused joyfully.  
  
"Hot damn!" said POTUS, bursting into the room. "For one of your cookies, I'll become an evil minion!"  
  
"That's a good boy, Jed," she said, patting him on top of the head.  
  
"No, Simon!" C.J. implored, holding his hand. "Please – fight it! You don't know what you're doing!"  
  
"No, actually, it's a good deal," Simon said. "Basically, you have to show up for rallies and the like, and that's about it. And you don't have to be dead anymore."  
  
"Hey, that doesn't sound so bad." C.J. paused to consider. "Wanna hop in the sack?"  
  
"Fine by me," Simon said. "Tad Whitney tells me you're great in bed."  
  
They skipped off hand in hand.  
  
Toby sighed heavily. "Dammit, I really liked her." He glanced over to see Sam with his arms spread. "No."  
  
Mrs. Landingham was getting impatient and tapping her foot. Finally, Josh walked in and asked her, "Why do you want to take over the world, anyway?"  
  
The nice old lady scratched her head, which caused several strips of rotting flesh to flay off and fall to the floor. "For fun?" she finally offered. "Also, to point out my true murderer." Now, everyone's a sucker for murder mysteries, so they all paid attention. "The real killer was...none other than Amy Gardner!"  
  
"Yes!" cried Donna. "Incentive for Josh to break up with that bitch!" She smacked her fist into her palm and grabbed Josh in a headlock. "Let's copulate frantically!"  
  
The Deputy Chief of Staff waved a sad goodbye to everyone else.  
  
"But how could Amy have done it, Mrs. Landingham?" asked Jed. "She hadn't even been introduced to the show at that point."  
  
"Are you questioning me?" she asked, going all tall and evil with pillars of flames billowing in the background and the like.  
  
"No, ma'am."  
  
"That's a good boy. Have a cookie."  
  
Sam, inspired by the random couplings, said to Toby, "Hey, Toby, wanna – "  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh. Okay." He went over to a random slavering fangirl and said, "Do you – AUGH!" She had smashed him over the head and dragged him off into the sunset.  
  
Leo walked back in and said, "Mrs. Landingham, could you please not try to take over the world right now? We're a little busy, between re-election and black bleeding C.J. angst and Qumar and everything else."  
  
She sighed heavily and said, "Fine, but only for you, Leo. I don't want to have my reputation smeared in the pits of hell. Promise not to tell anyone?"  
  
"I swear," he said, pressing his hands to his heart.  
  
"Oh, fine," she said, and descended back into her Lair of Evil or whatever the hell it would be called.  
  
"Well, it looks like that problem is solved," Leo said. "Margaret!"  
  
She appeared at the door, but as she couldn't speak any more, just kind of stood there. Leo frowned at her.  
  
"This is quickly descending into romance, sex, and various very odd couplings. So, you wanna go out for dinner or something?"  
  
She nodded as hard as she could and offered her arm. The skipped off together.  
  
POTUS, with no more cookies to eat, went back off to his wife.  
  
Leo and Margaret fell in love and got married, as did C.J. and Simon (despite him being dead) and Josh and Donna. Sam was never heard from again.  
  
Mrs. Landingham never did rise to try to take over the world. Poor old dear – she always did have a soft spot for any of Leo's requests.  
  
Danny was murdered by Vice President Hoynes because he decided to go through with his recurring dream. His body sat there for another year before it was discovered, because he can only appear about once a year now. C.J. had about thirty seconds of angst then forgot about him.  
  
Ainsley also stayed reanimated, but she couldn't really talk, because she didn't have a head. No one really noticed, because they never listened to her to begin with.  
  
Bartlet won re-election, and then the term after that and after that, because everyone liked him so much that they never wanted the show to end. I guess you aren't so stupid after all, American voters!  
  
Gail stayed dead.  
  
And they all lived happily ever after. Except Gail.  
  
~~~~  
  
Random notes: I don't agree with basically anything I've written. Weeheee! This is pure and complete randomness and isn't meant to insult anyone, especially people who write C.J./Simon fics. (Keep on writin', dudes!) Also, the reason that C.J. generally acted out of character is because she's far too cool to parody. And Josh wasn't in it much because, uhh...No real reason. So, uh, yeah. I know that this is probably the second lamest thing on all of FanFiction.Net (and that's part of the popular joke, by the way, so when I say second lamest thing, I mean lamest). But you've read it to the end now, and that's five minutes of your live you'll never get back! Mwa ha ha! (Though, come to think of it, that's three hours of my life –I'll– never get back. Dammit!) 


End file.
